Yuck

This is a small post but it just had to be repeated. I am pretty sure I have mentioned this before, but in case I am wrong, a lot of Chinese people have a very different way of cleaning things. While I don't believe that everything needs to be doused with chemicals to get it clean, I also do not believe that cold water disinfects.

The other night, Will and I went out to one of our neighborhood restaurants. We were having a great time and then after 5 drinks, I needed to pee (shocking, I know). This is a pretty nice place, although at night it definitely has more of a bar feel. Anyway...I walk into the bathroom, wait for the stall and then walk in...and my first thought is "Shit, why did I wear flip flops". That should give you a clear understanding of what the floor looked like, which is also what the seat looked like. Add to that, that bathrooms in Beijing almost never have toilet paper and I was really wishing I did not have to pee. This place rivaled just about any gas station bathroom I have ever seen.

So, I finish up my business and start to wash my hands. The ayi must have been waiting to get into the bathroom to clean it, so she pushed past me to get started. As I turn to dry my hands, I see her one single rag cleaning the seat of the toilet, the floor covered in all manner of fluids and then the counter-tops of the sink. I swear on everything that is holy that I almost threw up right on the spot. Instead though, I just said to myself (in my head) that this is China, so don't be surprised. I have heard worse stories and before I leave, I may witness things more shocking. Yet...ick.

Culture Shock

Culture shock is real. I traveled to 27 countries over a period of 6 years and I thought I had experienced culture shock. I saw shocking things, but never really experienced true culture shock. The reason being, I have discovered, that I never LIVED in those places. The two places I did live, Auckland and Sydney, are both “Western” countries. Thus the culture differences in those cases were small quirky things that people mostly find comedic “Why do you call a Band-aid a plaster?” “Why are you laughing at me because I said I am rooting for my boyfriend who is playing soccer”...etc.

Beijing (I will not speak for all of China) and the US could not be more different. The US is not perfect, but it is my home. China is the new “land of opportunities” and that's the reason we moved here. Here, both hubs and I are working and making a sustainable income. Here we can pay of debt and start saving for the future. Here we can learn Mandarin and become more marketable. Yet...I have not been happy here. I just admitted that out loud yesterday for the first time and its like a weight off my shoulders. I spend most days focusing on the differences and how I wish Beijing was more like the US. I have not accepted that China is different and that's OK. I have been very stressed lately dealing with this and have had a low grade fever for over 2 weeks. No I am not joking. This pattern I have established is not healthy, for me or my marriage.

I am aggravated with everything around me and when I'm not aggravated, I'm sad, or sick. My job is not fulfilling me and it's no mystery why. I majored in Child and Family Development not Professional Recruitment. I want to get my Masters degree in Marriage and Family Therapy and work with couples, parents and children. But...grad school is expensive and I would have to take an online graduate program from Beijing. Are online schools really as reputable as campus based schools? Part time or full time? I have been thinking I could go to one of the expat hospitals and see about what kinds of positions I am eligible for, but will that be enough to sustain us? Student loans...and more debt. Not part of our original China plan. The course they offer at Pacific University in MFT looks amazing...can I find something that great online? Opinions?

So, here is what I've decided... Happiness is a state of mind. You can be miserable anywhere if you want to be, and the same goes for happiness. I can be happy here just like I can be happy in Atlanta. That being said, I have spent so long seeing things as temporary...high school, college, Atlanta and now Beijing. It gives me an excuse to not try too hard...because I'm just going to leave so whats the point. I am not a sad person, I am a happy and sarcastic person, and I need to settle in here and make some changes.

This has never been more thought provoking to me...

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.

I can not change the fact that there are parts to Beijing I dislike, and certain habits of the Chinese that I find rude and abrasive. It's a different culture and the Chinese people that I have gotten to know have all been very nice to me. I will not complain about things I cannot change ANYMORE. Laugh, but not complain.

Now onto another step into my “new Beijing”. I concluded that I was allergic to gluten and lactose about a year ago. My grandmother, who I was very close to and shared a birthday with, had died. I had finished college only to find the job market less than accommodating. I was deciding whether to break up with W and stay in Atlanta or marry him and move to the other side of the globe. That caused it's fair share of familial tension. Role it into a tidy ball and you will notice I dealt with a LOT of stressors. Take this questionnaire...both hubs and I scored over 450.

So...are my allergies psychosomatic? Will they go away if I work through my stressors and move on with my life? Time will tell.

Sorry that was a lot of baggage dropped all at once, but I feel better working through it all on paper...and then Word... and then the blog. :)